We have made it to II Kings!!
We have made it all the way to II Kings! Hasn't it been a real ordeal so far? Yes, it has been. Especially for me, right? I mean, I am actually reading through all of this stuff to find interesting verses and made comments and ask questions. I tell you...sometimes I just have to push the book, the Bible that is, AWAY and go for a walk or take a couple of days off. It is some of the screwiest stuff ever. EVER. And I read a LOT of Stephen King...sooo...yeah. Anyways, let's get this show on the road.
1. II Kings 1:9-13
9 Then the king sent to him a captain of fifty men with his fifty. He went up to Elijah, who was sitting on the top of a hill, and said to him, “O man of God, the king says, ‘Come down.’”
10 But Elijah answered the captain of fifty, “If I am a man of God, let fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty.” Then fire came down from heaven and consumed him and his fifty.
11 Again the king sent to him another captain of fifty men with his fifty. And he answered and said to him, “O man of God, this is the king’s order, ‘Come down quickly!’”
12 But Elijah answered them, “If I am a man of God, let fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty.” Then the fire of God came down from heaven and consumed him and his fifty.
13 Again the king sent the captain of a third fifty with his fifty. And the third captain of fifty went up and came and fell on his knees before Elijah and entreated him, “O man of God, please let my life, and the life of these fifty servants of yours, be precious in your sight.
1) Sooo...the lives of the previously roasted soldiers were not precious?
2) What was the point of killing the men?
3) Is this God's sadistic humor?
2. II Kings 2:11
11 And as they still went on and talked, behold, chariots of fire and horses of fire separated the two of them. And Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.
1) Is this a freaking UFO story?
3. II Kings 2:15
15 Now when the sons of the prophets who were at Jericho saw him opposite them, they said, “The spirit of Elijah rests on Elisha.” And they came to meet him and bowed to the ground before him.
1) Is this why so many people listen to so many others who claim to be prophets...the power and the mystery?
4. II Kings 2:23-24
23 He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!”
24 And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.
1) Really? Are you fucking serious? A man of God couldn't take the jibes of little kids, huh?
2) More of God's suffering the little children unto Him?
3) Isn't this an abuse of God's power right along with a good sprinkling of intolerance, unjustifiable judgment and punishment?
4) Cursing in the name of Jehovah? Is this like the inverse of blasphemy?
5. II Kings 3:26-27
26 When the king of Moab saw that the battle was going against him, he took with him 700 swordsmen to break through, opposite the king of Edom, but they could not.
27 Then he took his oldest son who was to reign in his place and offered him for a burnt offering on the wall. And there came great wrath against Israel. And they withdrew from him and returned to their own land.
1) Oh, look! No different from the pagans and the heathens, are they? Wait...they ARE the pagans and heathens, right? But...didn't GOD try to get people to sacrifice their kids? What the hell is going on?
6. II Kings 4:33-35
33 So he went in and shut the door behind the two of them and prayed to the LORD.
34 Then he went up and lay on the child, putting his mouth on his mouth, his eyes on his eyes, and his hands on his hands. And as he stretched himself upon him, the flesh of the child became warm.
35 Then he got up again and walked once back and forth in the house, and went up and stretched himself upon him. The child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes.
1) Well now, HERE is a recycled story, right?
2) Doesn't this STILL sound all wrong?
7. II Kings 6:4-7
4 So he went with them. And when they came to the Jordan, they cut down trees.
5 But as one was felling a log, his axe head fell into the water, and he cried out, “Alas, my master! It was borrowed.”
6 Then the man of God said, “Where did it fall?” When he showed him the place, he cut off a stick and threw it in there and made the iron float.
7 And he said, “Take it up.” So he reached out his hand and took it.
1) How deep was the water?
2) What purpose was served by this story?
3) Wow...an AX floats. So fucking what, right? I mean, aren't the people freaking starving? Float a freaking banquet to the surface, right?
8. II Kings 6:28-30
28 And the king asked her, “What is your trouble?” She answered, “This woman said to me, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.’
29 So we boiled my son and ate him. And on the next day I said to her, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him.’ But she has hidden her son.”
30 When the king heard the words of the woman, he tore his clothes—now he was passing by on the wall—and the people looked, and behold, he had sackcloth beneath on his body—
1) Holy shit! Yikes. Doesn't this sink the idea of suffer the little children to an all new low?
9. II Kings 9:34-36
34 Then he went in and ate and drank. And he said, “See now to this cursed woman and bury her, for she is a king’s daughter.”
35 But when they went to bury her, they found no more of her than the skull and the feet and the palms of her hands.
36 When they came back and told him, he said, “This is the word of the LORD, which he spoke by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, ‘In the territory of Jezreel the dogs shall eat the flesh of Jezebel,
1) Oh bullshit! All that was left were the hands, feet, and skull? What did the dogs do? Walk away with the fucking pelvis? Femurs? REALLY? Were these dogs Great Danes? Mastiffs?
10. II Kings 9:37
37 and the corpse of Jezebel shall be as dung on the face of the field in the territory of Jezreel, so that no one can say, This is Jezebel.’”
1) Corpse desecration?
2) Does God approve of corpse desecration so long as it is done to the enemy?
11. II Kings 13:21
21 And as a man was being buried, behold, a marauding band was seen and the man was thrown into the grave of Elisha, and as soon as the man touched the bones of Elisha, he revived and stood on his feet.
1) Sooo...the dead guy doesn't have the power to keep himself alive, but his bones have the power to make another dead man come to life?
12. II Kings 14:6
6 But he did not put to death the children of the murderers, according to what is written in the Book of the Law of Moses, where the LORD commanded, “Fathers shall not be put to death because of their children, nor shall children be put to death because of their fathers. But each one shall die for his own sin.”
1) Where in the Old Testament does it REALLY work out like this?
2) Maybe a better question would be how many times in the Old Testament do children end up paying for the sins of their fathers?
3) This is a crock of crap, ISN'T it?
13. II Kings 17:9
9 And the people of Israel did secretly against the LORD their God things that were not right. They built for themselves high places in all their towns, from watchtower to fortified city.
1) Secretly? Secretly? If these people knew anything about their bipolar God SURELY they knew you can't fucking HIDE anything from Him, right?
14. II Kings 17:25
25 And at the beginning of their dwelling there, they did not fear the LORD. Therefore the LORD sent lions among them, which killed some of them.
1) Tell me, and be completely honest...is this or is this not seriously, SERIOUSLY disturbing?
2) Is this your God that you worship? Do you approve of this or do you shrink away from that question by claiming you have no right to approve or disapprove of anything that your God does?