Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I Kings Part VIII: Just a Few Questions

Doesn't it just get more and more interesting?
You know, once you start reading the Bible and actually paying attention to the words it really is a work of fiction that is extremely difficult to put down, isn't it?

1. I Kings 19:2-3
So Jezebel sent this message to Elijah: "May the gods strike me and even kill me if by this time tomorrow I have not killed you just as you killed them."

Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there.

     1) Why was Elijah afraid of Jezebel after the LORD showed His mighty power when Elijah killed the 400 prophets?

2. I Kings 19:4-8
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”

And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.”

And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again.

And the angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”

And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

     1) Sooo...God/the LORD will bring food cakes and water to His prophet, but will continue to play Hunger Games:Divine Edition with everyone else?

     2) Oh, look! The magical Bible number of forty...AGAIN. What, pray tell, does it mean here?

3. I Kings 19:10
10 He said, “I have been very jealous for the LORD, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”

     1) Now...just hold on a minute there, Elijah. Didn't you do some slaughtering yourself?

     2) And what the fuck did you expect, Elijah? Of course they are going to go after you, right?

4. I Kings 19:19-21
19 So he departed from there and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen in front of him, and he was with the twelfth. Elijah passed by him and cast his cloak upon him.

20 And he left the oxen and ran after Elijah and said, “Let me kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you.” And he said to him, “Go back again, for what have I done to you?”

21 And he returned from following him and took the yoke of oxen and sacrificed them and boiled their flesh with the yokes of the oxen and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he arose and went after Elijah and assisted him.

     1) Maybe some of the starvation is caused by the people killing off the plow animals?

5. I Kings 20:2-3
And he sent messengers into the city to Ahab king of Israel and said to him, “Thus says Ben-hadad:

‘Your silver and your gold are mine; your best wives and children also are mine.’”

     1) Sooo...what happens to the worst wives?

6. I Kings 20:27
27 When the Israelites were also mustered and given provisions, they marched out to meet them. The Israelites camped opposite them like two small flocks of goats, while the Arameans covered the countryside.

     1) Sooo...now the people get to eat? Is it a reward for fighting?

7. I Kings 20:35-36
35 And a certain man of the sons of the prophets said to his fellow at the command of the LORD, “Strike me, please.” But the man refused to strike him.

36 Then he said to him, “Because you have not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as you have gone from me, a lion shall strike you down.” And as soon as he had departed from him, a lion met him and struck him down.

     1) Sooo...God tells the man of God to tell the other guy to strike the man of God...and when the other guy refuses he gets a goddamn death sentence? WTF for?

     2) Why didn't God give His friggin message to the guy He wanted to hit the freaking man of God, hummm?

     3) Strike me, please? Oooohhh...because the PLEASE was supposed to let the guy who had no fucking clue what the hell was going on that he really WAS supposed to strike this man of GOD?

8. I Kings 20:37-38
37 Then he found another man and said, “Strike me, please.” And the man struck him—struck him and wounded him.

38 So the prophet departed and waited for the king by the way, disguising himself with a bandage over his eyes.

     1) Sooo...was allowing the man who struck the man of God to live a reward for going along with the little conspiracy?

     2) God has a prophet DISGUISE himself? How fucking nonsense is this shit?

     3) Why does God even find it necessary to TRICK anyone to begin with, right? I mean, if someone is in disguise they DO intend to TRICK someone, don't they?

9. I Kings 20:40-42
40 And as your servant was busy here and there, he was gone.” The king of Israel said to him, “So shall your judgment be; you yourself have decided it.”

41 Then he hurried to take the bandage away from his eyes, and the king of Israel recognized him as one of the prophets.

42 And he said to him, “Thus says the LORD, ‘Because you have let go out of your hand the man whom I had devoted to destruction, therefore your life shall be for his life, and your people for his people.’”

     1) Oh, look! More of God's trickery, right?

     2) By the way...why in the HELL did God tell this prophet of His to tell another man to strike him if all he needed to do was wrap the goddamn bandage around his fucking head so the king wouldn't see who it freaking was under there? Did he need a bloody bandage? Shit, man...all you gotta do is roll that bandage on the dead bodies, right?

10. I Kings 21:8-10
So she wrote letters in Ahab’s name and sealed them with his seal, and she sent the letters to the elders and the leaders who lived with Naboth in his city.

And she wrote in the letters, “Proclaim a fast, and set Naboth at the head of the people.

10 And set two worthless men opposite him, and let them bring a charge against him, saying, ‘You have cursed God and the king.’ Then take him out and stone him to death.

     1) God essentially did the same thing to Pharaoh when He robbed Pharaoh's free will and made him do shit he wouldn't have done BUT for what God did, so how is this any less acceptable?

     2) Is it not acceptable because God didn't do it?

11. I Kings 21:27-29
27 And when Ahab heard those words, he tore his clothes and put sackcloth on his flesh and fasted and lay in sackcloth and went about dejectedly.

28 And the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite, saying,

29 “Have you seen how Ahab has humbled himself before me? Because he has humbled himself before me, I will not bring the disaster in his days; but in his son’s days I will bring the disaster upon his house.”

     1) Ahhh...so is what we have here another case of one person paying for another's sin, hummm? Sooo...the son will get to pay?

     2) And what the hell does Ahab expect to help by tearing his clothing, dumping dirt on his head, starving himself, and going about with a long face? Has it REALLY worked for anyone before? Does he really think God gives a flying fuck whether or not he is happy or sad?

12. I Kings 22:10
10 King Ahab of Israel and King Jehoshaphat of Judah, dressed in their royal robes, were sitting on thrones at the threshing floor near the gate of Samaria. All of Ahab's prophets were prophesying there in front of them.

     1) I wonder what the hell kind of noise was made with all of the prophets there going on at once, right? I mean, were they ALL sounding like they were speaking in tongues like that Kenneth Hagin moron, or what?

13. I Kings 22:38
38 And they washed the chariot by the pool of Samaria, and the dogs licked up his blood, and the prostitutes washed themselves in it, according to the word of the LORD that he had spoken.

     1) Why so degrading? Does it make God feel that much better about Himself?

14. I Kings 22:40
40 So Ahab slept with his fathers, and Ahaziah his son reigned in his place.

     1) Ahab slept with his fathers? You mean like Jimmy Hoffa and Davey Jones sleep with the fishes?

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