Thursday, October 24, 2013

I Samuel Part VI: Just a Few Questions

The Original Soap Opera

The plight of the people of Israel can be summed up in two words: sopa opera. Everything that happens to the people of Israel as well as to their enemies is truly captivating in many respects, totally 'shrimping' anything that has ever happened to Victor Newman, Nikki Newman, Victoria, Jack, Mrs. Chandler, Nick, or anyone else on my favorite daytime soap. Actually, take ALL of the television soaps and put them together and you still have nothing close to the drama of the people of Israel in the Old Testament.

However, do not be so ignorant as to accept these captivating stories of the Old Testament as truth simply because they are captivating, right? I mean, sure, the daytime soaps are interesting but how many times can people return from the dead, get amnesia, marry each other, and all of that happy horseshit? You don't really believe it because you know it is a STORY, not true, only meant for entertainment purposes, right? The same can be said of the Old Testament and the lamentable people of Israel. They just seem to have some of the worst luck ever, don't they? Then they have the tantrums that their savant deity seems absurdly prone to. Lovely.

In reading through the Old Testament books I found that there was question after question after question that popped out as I continued to read such a captivating soap opera. While it was immensely interesting on many levels I had to wonder why people actually thought this stuff was true. are more of my questions as we continue going through the book of I Samuel. If you feel you have an answer to any of these questions please be so kind as to post your response at the end of the particular post. If you are utilizing a Bible verse as a reference please be sure to note the passage location so that I may look it up.

And now...let us continue with Part VI for the book of I Samuel.

1. I Samuel 17:47
47 And everyone assembled here will know that the LORD rescues his people, but not with sword and spear. This is the LORD's battle, and he will give you to us!"

     1) The LORD's battle? Do you mean the LORD's battle in the sense that the LORD is usually the one Who starts all of this shit to begin with?

     2) The LORD will give you to us? How does this work out considering that the LORD NEVER gives without taking something greater?

2. I Samuel 17:49
49 And David put his hand in his bag and took out a stone and slung it and struck the Philistine on his forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the ground.

     1) the stone that David slung sank into Goliath's forehead? How did this happen when I Samuel 17:5 clearly notes that Goliath had a helmet of bronze?

     2) Did Goliath's helmet NOT cover his forehead?

     3) Did Goliath NOT wear his helmet upon going out to meet David?

     4) The Bible notes that Goliath was a man of war from the time of his youth, so WHY would a man of war go out to battle without his helmet unless he was a total moron?

3. I Samuel 17:50
50 So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and struck the Philistine and killed him. There was no sword in the hand of David.

     1) Why does the Bible have so many stories where either God or the people who were adopted by God (the Israelites) win in lopsided victories?

     2) Are the lopsided victories supposed to convince people of the truth of the Bible and the supposed mighty strength of God?

4. I Samuel 17:51
51 Then David ran and stood over the Philistine and took his sword and drew it out of its sheath and killed him and cut off his head with it. When the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, they fled.

     1) Okay, you remember that I Samuel 17:7 notes that Goliath's spearhead weighed six hundred shekles, which is fifteen pounds? If Goliath's spearhead weighed this much, how much do you think his sword weighed?

     2) Do you remember in I Samuel 17:39 Saul gave his armor to David and David couldn't use it because he was not used to the weight of it, couldn't fight in it? If David could not use the armor and sword of in the fuckey-doo was David able to lift the sword of Goliath (who shrimped Saul) and cut off Goliath's head?

5. I Samuel 17:53
53 And the people of Israel came back from chasing the Philistines, and they plundered their camp.

     1) Ahhh, so when the people of Israel came back and plundered the camps of the Philistines can't such be considered thievery? Is it legalized thievery since they were fighting for God and the Philistines were the enemy?

     2) Sooo, if God says that something that is normally wrong ISN'T wrong then it is okay to do it and not suffer consequences? Hummm...sounds suspiciously like something Richard Nixon would claim, doesn't it?

6. I Samuel 17:54
54 And David took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem, but he put his armor in his tent.

     1) You know, I hear so many of the end timers really focusing on stories where the Christians are supposed to be beheaded for their beliefs, seemingly dipping these fantastical stories into the totally false idea that believers in the supposed mega mighty God of the Bible would NEVER do such a thing to people. REALLY?

     2) Considering the weight of Goliath's spearhead alone, how long do you think it took for the youthful David to drag Goliath's armor back to his own tent? And, where did David's tent come from? Nothing is ever said about David going there to set his own tent. Didn't he go there to where the army was to take his brothers some bread and cheese and to get word from them that he could take back to his father? What is this 'David's tent' bull?

7. I Samuel 18:10-12
10 The very next day a tormenting spirit from God overwhelmed Saul, and he began to rave in his house like a madman. David was playing the harp, as he did each day. But Saul had a spear in his hand,

11 and he suddenly hurled it at David, intending to pin him to the wall. But David escaped him twice.

12 Saul was then afraid of David, for the LORD was with David and had turned away from Saul.

     1) Houston, WE have a serious problem here, don't we? Read I Samuel 16:14-23, and then read the above verses again. Do you see the problem? In this story David is already with Saul by the time the evil spirit comes to torment Saul. BUT in chapter 16 the spirit torments Saul and then in the process of trying to relieve Saul of his psychological issues David was sent for so that he would play his harp for the king, right?

     2) Why does it say in the verses above that Saul, while raving with his torment, threw a spear at David intending to pin David to the wall...TWICE? The chapter 16 story in verse 23 says that whenever the tormenting spirit from God came to Saul, David would play his instrument and then relief would come to Saul, the evil spirit finally leaving him alone, right? What the hell is going on? Is whoever is writing this NOT paying attention to what he has already written, or what?

8. I Samuel 18:25, 27
25 Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

27 David and his men went out and killed 200 Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented them as full payment to the king to become his son-in-law. Then Saul gave his daughter Michal to David as his wife.

     1) This is just all fucked up in so many ways, right? Never mind that the king said the bride price would be 100 foreskins of the Philistines, but David goes and butchers the penises of twice the necessary number?

9. I Samuel 19:9-10
Then a harmful spirit from the LORD came upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his spear in his hand. And David was playing the lyre.

10 And Saul sought to pin David to the wall with the spear, but he eluded Saul, so that he struck the spear into the wall. And David fled and escaped that night.

     1) Houston, we have ANOTHER problem. But what else is new? Why are we seeing this freaking tormenting spirit/Saul throws a spear story AGAIN?

10. I Samuel 19:11-12
11 Then Saul sent troops to watch David's house. They were told to kill David when he came out the next morning. But Michal, David's wife, warned him, "If you don't escape tonight, you will be dead by morning."

12 So Michal let David down through the window, and he fled away and escaped.

     1) Sooo...the crack troops belonging to the king watch everything BUT the windows?

11. I Samuel 25:18
18 Abigail wasted no time. She quickly gathered 200 loaves of bread, two wineskins full of wine, five sheep that had been slaughtered, nearly a bushel of roasted grain, 100 clusters of raisins, and 200 fig cakes. She packed them on donkeys

     1) I want to know HOW this woman Abigail quickly gathered all of the stuff mentioned in this verse, right? Did she do all of this stuff by herself?

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