Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I Samuel Part III: Just a Few Questions

Long Live the King

Sooo, why did the people of Israel request a king to lead them? I would like to answer that in the form of a question: Do you really think that the people of Israel would have asked God for a flesh and blood, human king if God and His judges were doing such a hot job with protecting the people and following through on promises made? Of course not.

While you are reviewing these questions I really want for you to think about what you would do, if, under a certain leader what you were promised was not actualizing, if you were being regularly abused by people that you had previously been promised to be protected from, if you were regularly deprived of basic needs in an effort to get you to conform your behavior, or any of the like, what would you do? Pray? Fast? Ask for a different leader?

Ask for a king?

1. I Samuel 8:1
When Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons as Israel's leaders.


     1) Was Samuel promoting his own sons something that the LORD told Samuel to do, or was this just a decision he made on his own? What made him make this decision? Were there no other candidates? Did his sons have special training?

2. I Samuel 8:3
Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.


     1) Hummm...it looks like special training might be out, right? Sooo...what is it with many of the good leaders of the people of Israel spawning children who apparently have no concept of following God in the proper ways? Didn't Aaron's sons have trouble similar to this...not worshiping correctly or bringing in the wrong fire before the LORD, or something like that?

     2) Are these divergent spawn of good leaders NOT instructed properly by their fathers?

     3)If these brats of the good leaders are not doing things properly why are they often allowed to stay in their positions until they fuck things up, or even well beyond the actual beginning of the fucking up? I mean, why does God allow these fuck-ups to remain in important positions where they inevitably end up fucking things up very badly for everyone, always resulting in a major FUBAR situation where God feels the need to cull the people with a plague or two?

     4) Does God allow this stuff to happen on purpose?

     5) WHY would God allow this stuff to happen on purpose?

     6) Is this another shining example of God's voon-der-bar planning?

3. I Samuel 8:5
and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.”


     1) Sooo...tell me why the hell the people waited so goddamn long to bring it to Samuel's attention that his sons were no good fellows?

     2) Now if God is doing such a great job leading His people and showing them love and following through on promises and being fair, WHY are the people requesting a different leader? Do people ask for replacements when there is nothing broken? If God was doing such a great job would the people want Him replaced?

4. I Samuel 8:6-9
But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” And Samuel prayed to the LORD.

And the LORD said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them.

According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you.

Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them.”


     1) Why was Samuel displeased? Was it because he is a kiss-ass to God and will ALWAYS take God's side no matter what? Is that it?

     2) The people have rejected God? Really? Shouldn't God consider the promises He has made to the people and then take a step back and actually look at whether or not He has fulfilled/followed through with ANY of His promises? Do THAT and then reconsider who has rejected whom.

     3) Why does God keep going back to this claim about bringing the people of Israel up out of Egypt as if it were some great goddamn thing? God created the friggin' situation, didn't He? Or don't you remember God PURPOSELY hardening pharaoh's heart so that the Egyptians could experience the LORD's anger first hand? Even God Himself says He did it in order to show His great wonders, right? Self-serving of God to do so, wouldn't you say?

     4) Isn't the real problem here that God is serving Himself and NOT that the people are serving other gods?

5. I Samuel 8:10-18
10 So Samuel told all the words of the LORD to the people who were asking for a king from him.

11 He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots.

12 And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots.

13 He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers.

14 He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants.

15 He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants.

16 He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men and your donkeys, and put them to his work.

17 He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves.

18 And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD will not answer you in that day.”


     1) Is Samuel even paying attention to what he is saying here? There is not one thing here that is even close to being as bad as what happens when God runs the show, right?

     2) Samuel is telling the people they will be slaves to the king and that is supposed to worry them? What does he think the people of Israel have been to God this whole fucking time?! Do this, do that OR the LORD will do this or that, right?

     3) Can you name one thing in this set of verses that God HASN'T done to the people of Israel on a GRAND scale? God has taken the children away, hasn't He? He has told the people of death and familial loss if they do not listen to God, right? He will make their flocks die, right? He will let the daughters be captured and taken as wives, right? 

     4) Who gives a shit if the king takes a tenth of the harvest? With God you get nothing since He sees fit to let His anger rage and prevent the ground from producing food for the people every time they complain about the crazy shit God does, or every time they try to break away from the crazy mother, right? 

     5) Boy oh BOY, but isn't Samuel pitching hard for God in these verses?

6. I Samuel 8:21
21 And when Samuel had heard all the words of the people, he repeated them in the ears of the LORD.


     1) Here is another one of those questions that just drives me batty, right? IF God is everywhere, all of the time why in the fuckey-doo does Samuel repeat anything to the LORD? If the LORD is everywhere at all times He hears just fine now, doesn't He? And even if God did hear and simply forgot what was said (wouldn't that be impossible for a perfect God?) with His perfect memory He still wouldn't need Samuel's two cents, right?

7. I Samuel 9:8-9
The servant answered Saul again, “Here, I have with me a quarter of a shekel of silver, and I will give it to the man of God to tell us our way.”

(Formerly in Israel, when a man went to inquire of God, he said, “Come, let us go to the seer,” for today’s “prophet” was formerly called a seer.)


     1) Sooo...is God's way of getting around Deuteronomy 18:10 to allow Samuel to adopt a different name for what he does? Sooo...if Samuel is called a prophet the telling of the future and reading signs and interpreting omens is okay since he is no longer going by the title of seer? What kind of delusional bullshit is that?

8. I Samuel 9:15-16
15 Now the day before Saul came, the LORD had revealed to Samuel:

16 “Tomorrow about this time I will send to you a man from the land of Benjamin, and you shall anoint him to be prince over my people Israel. He shall save my people from the hand of the Philistines. For I have seen my people, because their cry has come to me.”


     1) God has seen His people and their cry has come to Him? In I Samuel 8:18 didn't the LORD say He would NOT listen to the people? Sooo...God is now listening  to the people? When did He change His mind?

9. I Samuel 9:19
19 Samuel answered Saul, “I am the seer. Go up before me to the high place, for today you shall eat with me, and in the morning I will let you go and will tell you all that is on your mind.


     1) Whoops...looks like Samuel just used the wrong job description, right? So considering the rules in Deuteronomy in regards to seers and such...well, shouldn't good old Sam be headed to the outskirts of town to be stoned?

10. I Samuel 10:10-11
10 When they came to Gibeah, behold, a group of prophets met him, and the Spirit of God rushed upon him, and he prophesied among them.

11 And when all who knew him previously saw how he prophesied with the prophets, the people said to one another, “What has come over the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets?”


     1) What is this prophesying? Is it telling people what is happening at the moment? Telling people what has already happened? Telling people what is going to happen? Talking in tongues? Talking in different languages? Talking in riddles? What?

11. I Samuel 10:18
18 And he said to the people of Israel, “Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, ‘I brought up Israel out of Egypt, and I delivered you from the hand of the Egyptians and from the hand of all the kingdoms that were oppressing you.’


     1) Is this line of the people of Israel being rescued from Egypt God's favorite fallback example to His greatness? Do you think God should put that perfect memory to use and recall WHO started all of that shit and WHO hardened pharaoh's heart so that terrible plagues could be cast upon the people?

12. I Samuel 10:22
22 So they inquired again of the LORD, “Is there a man still to come?” and the LORD said, “Behold, he has hidden himself among the baggage.”


     1) This is what this great new king that God has hand picked has done with his amazing promotion? Hides? Surely if Saul believed in the LORD then he knew that you cannot hide from God Who is everywhere, right? Why did Saul hide if he knew this? Wouldn't that show poor problem solving skills and even more deficient decision making on the part of Saul? And this guy has been picked to be king?

13. I Samuel 10:25
25 Then Samuel told the people the rights and duties of the kingship, and he wrote them in a book and laid it up before the LORD. Then Samuel sent all the people away, each one to his home.


     1) You mean the people are sitting here asking for a king without knowing everything that goes along with having a king?

     2) Okay, are you curious about why Samuel writes this stuff down? Were the people of Israel literate? I do not ask that to sound like a bitch, I just want to know who the literate folks were who were going to read this book on the rules of being a king, right? Because to my understanding of the available historical information the literacy rate was no higher than TEN PERCENT (some biblical scholars contest this) in Bible times whether that is the Old or New Testament, and actually the rate is likely lower in the Old than the New Testament times. So, again I ask you who was going to read what Samuel wrote?

     3) Why does Samuel lay this book up before the LORD? Does the LORD read? Would the LORD need to read? If the LORD knows everything there is to know EVER then He wouldn't need Samuel's book, would He? Why? Well, wouldn't He already know what is written in the book?

     4) Does Samuel know that the LORD/God knows everything there is to know EVER? If he does know this, WHY does he write the book and present it to the LORD? What is the LORD supposed to do with it? And with the amazingly low literacy rates what the frig purpose would the book serve the people of Israel?

14. I Samuel 10:26
26 Saul also went to his home at Gibeah, and with him went men of valor whose hearts God had touched.


     1) Men of valor whose hearts were touched by God? You mean in the way that God touched Pharaoh's heart to harden it thus removing Pharaoh's free will?

15. I Samuel 11:1-3
Then Nahash the Ammonite went up and besieged Jabesh-gilead, and all the men of Jabesh said to Nahash, “Make a treaty with us, and we will serve you.”

But Nahash the Ammonite said to them, “On this condition I will make a treaty with you, that I gouge out all your right eyes, and thus bring disgrace on all Israel.”

The elders of Jabesh said to him, “Give us seven days’ respite that we may send messengers through all the territory of Israel. Then, if there is no one to save us, we will give ourselves up to you.”


     1) What batch of meth was this idiot smoking when he suggested the terms of the surrender agreement? And aren't the elders of Jabesh completely unabashed in their expression of stupidity when responding with, "...give us seven days," as if something like that ought to be considered for even seven seconds?

16. I Samuel 11:6-8
And the Spirit of God rushed upon Saul when he heard these words, and his anger was greatly kindled.

He took a yoke of oxen and cut them in pieces and sent them throughout all the territory of Israel by the hand of messengers, saying, “Whoever does not come out after Saul and Samuel, so shall it be done to his oxen!” Then the dread of the LORD fell upon the people, and they came out as one man.

When he mustered them at Bezek, the people of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand.


     1) Sooo...God's anger is catching, is it?

17. I Samuel 12:2
And now, behold, the king walks before you, and I am old and gray; and behold, my sons are with you. I have walked before you from my youth until this day.


     1) Why in the fuckey-doo is this fool saying that his sons are with the people when it was established fairly early on that his sons are no goddamn good?! Seriously?

18. I Samuel 12:6-8
And Samuel said to the people, “The LORD is witness, who appointed Moses and Aaron and brought your fathers up out of the land of Egypt.

Now therefore stand still that I may plead with you before the LORD concerning all the righteous deeds of the LORD that he performed for you and for your fathers.

When Jacob went into Egypt, and the Egyptians oppressed them, then your fathers cried out to the LORD and the LORD sent Moses and Aaron, who brought your fathers out of Egypt and made them dwell in this place.


     1) The LORD serving as a witness to legalize and validate something HE is doing and wants and stewing up and all that mumbo-jumbo is about as sensical as the bride and groom at a wedding serving as their own witnesses, right?

19. I Samuel 12:14
14 If you will fear the LORD and serve him and obey his voice and not rebel against the commandment of the LORD, and if both you and the king who reigns over you will follow the LORD your God, it will be well.


     1) See, why does God make rules like this? Doesn't it say in the Bible man fails time and again? How many times does God have to make it clear that His view of man is quite poor, that man is completely and totally fallen and will never do ANYTHING right, before the people of Israel finally get the damn clue a STOP making agreements with God?

     2) Of course everything will NOT be well because God knows...the bastard KNOWS the people will never meet His expectations and He WILL have the twisted pleasure of torturing them just a little more with His grab-bag of death and war and disease, right?

20. I Samuel 12:15-18
15 But if you will not obey the voice of the LORD, but rebel against the commandment of the LORD, then the hand of the LORD will be against you and your king.

16 Now therefore stand still and see this great thing that the LORD will do before your eyes.

17 Is it not wheat harvest today? I will call upon the LORD, that he may send thunder and rain. And you shall know and see that your wickedness is great, which you have done in the sight of the LORD, in asking for yourselves a king.”

18 So Samuel called upon the LORD, and the LORD sent thunder and rain that day, and all the people greatly feared the LORD and Samuel.


     1) And the LORD will always be against the people and their king, won't He? WON'T HE?! It is always the SAME, right? Follow My will and all will be good, right? But God always finds a way to find just one righteous person and fuck the rest of them and then ends up drowning everything or killing everything with war or plague (including children and animals), doesn't He?

21. I Samuel 13:8-14
He waited seven days, the time appointed by Samuel. But Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and the people were scattering from him.

So Saul said, “Bring the burnt offering here to me, and the peace offerings.” And he offered the burnt offering.

10 As soon as he had finished offering the burnt offering, behold, Samuel came. And Saul went out to meet him and greet him.

11 Samuel said, “What have you done?” And Saul said, “When I saw that the people were scattering from me, and that you did not come within the days appointed, and that the Philistines had mustered at Michmash,

12 I said, ‘Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the favor of the LORD.’ So I forced myself, and offered the burnt offering.”

13 And Samuel said to Saul, “You have done foolishly. You have not kept the command of the LORD your God, with which he commanded you. For then the LORD would have established your kingdom over Israel forever.

14 But now your kingdom shall not continue. The LORD has sought out a man after his own heart, and the LORD has commanded him to be prince over his people, because you have not kept what the LORD commanded you.”


     1) Oh, bullshit!! God and Samuel are the ones who do not come through and Saul gets the short end of the stick for that one? WTF? Saul DID wait for the appointed time and Samuel did NOT show up. Nothing was EVER said about what Saul was to do if Samuel did not show up, was it?

     2) Look at what the LORD does here, right? Why does He PURPOSELY have Samuel not show up as agreed? And yes it IS purposeful since NOTHING happens without God's say so, right? Look at how Samuel responds to Saul with the comment that the LORD would have established Saul's kingdom BUT NOW his kingdom will not continue. Isn't that nice? 

     3) Did God do this on purpose, rook Saul out of a good kingship? Consider that NOTHING happens without God's express, direct permission/allowance which would include full knowledge of ALL consequences. So, God KNEW that not allowing Samuel to show up as agreed would worry Saul and Saul would take action (which, actually isn't that supposed to be what a king does? God should be shaking Saul's hand), right? By Saul screwing up he lost out on a great kingship. So, again I ask you...DID GOD DO THIS ON PURPOSE?






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