Song of Solomon

Divinely Sanctioned Porn

     When reading the Bible you will come across many curious and even ridiculous things. The Book of Deuteronomy is a very good example of such. Many people may try to tell you that there is much in the Bible that is supposed to be metaphor. That's right. God didn't mean it that way, He meant it THIS way. God didn't mean it this way, He meant it THAT way. The Book of Song of Solomon really takes the cake when it comes to metaphor, though. This entire book sounds like porn. Seriously. It is divinely sanctioned porn. Of course, I suppose that interpretation would depend on what God is telling you the verses really REALLY mean, right? The guy who wrote this dastardly book isn't really talking about marrying and sleeping with his sister, no way. The guy who wrote this book isn't really talking about kissing and doing other things with a man.

     There is so much in the Bible that can be taken so very many ways.

1. 1:1-3
     1 Solomon’s Song of Songs.

     2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.

     3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!

Questions
     1. Okay, so right from the very beginning verse we can establish that King Solomon is supposed to have written this book of the Bible, correct?

     2. Read verse two. Why is King Solomon speaking about the kisses from a man's mouth being more delightful than wine?

     3. No wonder the young women love you? Uhmmm, sounds like somebody has a thing going for the SAME SEX, right?


2. 3:1, 3
     1 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him.

     3 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

Questions
     1. Sooo, is Solomon looking for a certain HIM in his own bed or is this some kind of kinky metaphor for some Christ the Bridegroom thing?

     2. It must be Solomon talking here or else why would a woman be out and about at NIGHT when the watchmen are out looking for the one she loves? Another Christ the Bridegroom thing?


3. 3:4
     4 Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me.

Questions
     1. Oh WOW. So he finds the MAN he is looking for and takes him back to his mother's house to the very ROOM his mother conceived him in? Say what? Is he in the same bed? This is some weird shit, right?


4. 4:1
     4 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

Questions
     1. Your hair is like a flock of goats? Have you ever seen a flock of goats? Have you ever smelled a flock of goats? This does not sound like a complement in the least, does it?


5. 4:5
     5 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

Questions
     1. Your breasts are like two fawns? WTF? Are we talking tiny and brown? Fuzzy and firm? What?


6. 4:10-12
     10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

     11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

     12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

Questions
     1. OMG! What the hell is it with the Bible and incest or making stuff sound like incest? How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride?

     2. Is the sister-bride referencing a sister nation?

     3. Can you imagine if this guy's sister-bride were in the present day and she smelled of Lebanon? Wouldn't she smell like cordite and explosives?

     4. A garden locked up, hummm? A spring enclosed? A sealed fountain? This guy is saying this about his SISTER? This is straight up, wacko porn, isn't it?


7. 5:1-2
     1 I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk. Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

     2 I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.”

Questions
     1. I have come into my garden my sister, my bride? Why in the hell wasn't this one of the books kept OUT of the Bible? Is this divinely sanctioned porn?

     2. Jesus Christ, this is some horrible stuff here, right? Open to me my sister, my head is drenched with dew with the dampness of the night?? Holy freaking shit!

     3. Couldn't Hollywood or the porn industry make a killing off of this book of the Bible? They wouldn't even really need to tweak the words much, would they?


8. 5:4-5
     4 My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.

     5 I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt.

Questions
     1. Well, these verses could be taken a couple of ways, right? Lovely wording here, folks. You should read the King James Version of this for a real turn-on. And this Book of Porn is God-inspired?


9. 5:7
     7 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!

Questions
     1. The King James Version says his veil was taken away. Sooo, was Solomon going about dressed as a WOMAN? Is that why the watchmen beat him, they thought he was a woman?


10. 5:16
     16 His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.

Questions
     1. Did Solomon kiss men? Some translations separate the verses out to parts that a man supposedly says and parts a woman supposedly says...but the book is supposed to have been written by Solomon and does not say anyone helped him to write it or added to it or was in on the writing. Besides, that wouldn't really matter, would it? Especially when this mother trucker is talking about marrying and doing the deed with his freaking sister, right?


11. 6:8
     8 Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number;

Questions
     1. Yikes! Someone REALLY gets around, don't they?

     2. Can you say STDs?


12. 7:3
     3 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.

Questions
     1. Do you mean that the breasts are like twin fawns as in they look exactly the same and one boob isn't, like, bigger than the other or anything like that?


13. 8:2
     2 I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house— she who has taught me. I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.

Questions
     1. I would give you spiced wine to drink? Do you mean like slipping someone a little Rohypnol in their refreshment and then taking advantage of them? God! What in the world were You thinking inspiring this crap?


14. 8:7
     7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Questions
     1. Ahhh, but many waters CAN quench love if you are God, right? Didn't God flood the entire earth and kill everything and every one except for those in the ark? Isn't God supposed to be Love?


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Ecclesiastes Part III

Ecclesiastes Part III

     This is the third and final posting for the questions for the Book of Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes is a mournful and depressing book, much like many in the Bible, but the difference I find with Ecclesiastes is its depth of depression that very obviously originates with the horribly hopeless idea that EVERYTHING is meaningless. Remember, this absurd and deeply melancholy notion of meaninglessness is in text that is supposed to be inspired by God. You might think that a God of everlasting love and immutable beauty would be more adept to something more along the lines of shining inspiration, truly happy words that uplift and encourage. I guess not.

1. Ecclesiastes 10:4

     4 If a ruler’s anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great offenses to rest.

Questions

     1. If calmness can lay great offenses to rest why doesn't it work when it comes to the anger of God when He thinks people have really offended Him? 

     2. People pray and plead and put on sackcloth and all kinds of shit, and does God reign in His anger? Sure, after He promotes a new pestilence, kills a couple of really innocent people, ravages the crops, and causes a mighty flood that kills a b-zillion people, right?

     3. Do not leave your post. Does this infer that people should not forsake their belief in God, even when really screwy things happen because God is supposedly angry? If they stay at their POST and maintain their belief is that supposed to bring the calmness that gives rest to their supposed offenses?

2. Ecclesiastes 10:11

     11 If a snake bites before it is charmed, the charmer receives no fee.

Questions

     1. What about the greatest snake charmer of them all, God? What about Him? Why should God receive His fee of glory when He fucks up everything He does from the very start? 

     2. God creates this innocent man and woman in the Garden of Eden and they make a huge mistake, yet they don't know any better because they don't know about good and evil and disobedience because God didn't create them with such knowledge. So, God's planning and creation fails from the very freaking beginning and He punishes man for God's bullshit mistake and STILL tries to collect on his fee of glory?

3. Ecclesiastes 10:20

     20 Do not revile the king even in your thoughts, or curse the rich in your bedroom, because a bird in the sky may carry your words, and a bird on the wing may report what you say.

Questions

     1. Sooo, God/the Lord is the ultimate Big Brother, isn't He? Be careful of what you say because a little bird might go back and report what you said to someone who just might put your ass in a sling? So much for being born free.

4. Ecclesiastes 11:3

     3 If clouds are full of water, they pour rain on the earth. Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where it falls, there it will lie.

Questions

     1. Sure, in the place where the tree falls it will lie, but when it falls and there is no one around to hear it fall does it still make a sound?

5. Ecclesiastes 11:5

     5 As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

Questions

     1. Isn't it true that we now know the patterns of the wind on the earth and what causes the wind?

     2. Isn't it true that we now know how a fetus develops within a woman's body?

     3. If we now know these things then wouldn't it stand to reason we CAN understand the work of God?

6. Ecclesiastes 11:8-10

     8 However many years anyone may live, let them enjoy them all. But let them remember the days of darkness, for there will be many. Everything to come is meaningless.

     9 You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.

     10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.

Questions

     1. What do the days of darkness matter if everything to come is meaningless?

     2. If everything to come is meaningless and if the judgment is part of what is to come, doesn't it also make sense that the judgment would be meaningless as well?

     3. Verse ten says to cast off troubles and banish anxiety, but what do these things matter if everything is meaningless?

     4. Why banish anxiety and cast off troubles when Ecclesiastes 7:3 says that frustration is better than laughter and a sad face is good for the heart?

7. Ecclesiastes 12:14

     14 For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.

Questions

     1. Ecclesiastes 12:8 says that everything is meaningless. This is not the only verse that states such. In fact, much of Ecclesiastes is about everything being meaningless. If everything is meaningless, why in the world would God judge anything?

     2. If something is meaningless is it still worthy to be judged? If so WHY?

     3. Would judging the meaningless be considered pointless? If God is judging the meaningless wouldn't He be behaving in a pointless manner? Why would a perfect divine being behave in a pointless manner?

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Ecclesiastes Part II

Ecclesiastes Part II

     Here we have the second posting for the Book of Ecclesiastes. This book of the Bible just gets screwier and screwier with some of the little stories and snippets of supposed wisdom that it contains. Many of the verses are in direct contradiction with other verses, almost to a point of aggravation. This is a truly ridiculous book of the Bible. How can people read this muck and harbor even an inkling of wanting to believe in this God that has inspired such filth?

1. Ecclesiastes 6:1-2

     1 I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on mankind:

     2 God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil.

Questions
     1. Why does God/the Lord give in little incomplete snippets and parcels that always turn out to be dark little gifts more along the lines of a behemoth Pandora's Box?

     2. How is a perfect God/Lord so persistently incomplete in His gift giving? Why is there always something left out?

     3. Is there something left out of God/the Lord? Is this why He is so erratic and absurd in His supposed gift giving? Is what is left out of God/the Lord glory? Is this lack of glory why He demands it from man?

     4. If God/the Lord created everything under the sun didn't He also create evil?

2. Ecclesiastes 6:3 

     3 A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity and does not receive proper burial, I say that a stillborn child is better off than he.

Questions
     1. What do children and many long years living and prosperity matter if everything is meaningless? Didn't this book mention in from the very start that everything is meaningless (Ecclesiastes 2:17-23)?

     2. Would the mother or father of the stillborn child agree with the last part of this verse?

3. Ecclesiastes 6:7

     7 Everyone’s toil is for their mouth, yet their appetite is never satisfied.

Questions
     1. But it is all meaningless, right? Sooo, it really does not matter whether it is toil or hunger it all means a big pile of bullshit, correct?

     2. Was Jesus' toil for His mouth?

     3. Is God's/the Lord's toil for His mouth? If so, if His appetite never satisfied?

4. Ecclesiastes 6:9

     9 Better what the eye sees than the roving of the appetite. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Questions
     1. What happens if what the eyes see is not good? Would it not make sense for the eyes to rove to find something better?

     2. Is it meaningless to search for something better?

     3. Chasing the wind is NOT meaningless is it? Didn't God/the Lord know that you CAN catch the wind and convert its mighty power to energy?

5. Ecclesiastes 6:10

     10 Whatever exists has already been named, and what humanity is has been known; no one can contend with someone who is stronger.

Questions
     1. No one can contend with someone who is stronger? Really? How do you explain David and Goliath?

6. Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

     1 A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.

     2 It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.

Questions
     1. Ah, now a good name is said to be better than fine perfume. Doesn't Proverbs 22:1 say that a good name is better than riches? Why the change? Is this simply just another thing a good name is better than? Again, what does it freaking matter if everything is supposed to be meaningless? Is the Vanderbilt name better than Carolina Herrera perfume?

     2. The day of death better than the day of birth? For whom? For God/the Lord? What does He do with the dead? Eat them? Are people more useful to the Lord/God if they are dead? If people are more useful when they are dead then why give them life to begin with?

     3. Death is the destiny of everyone? What about Enoch and the prophet who was whisked away in a chariot of fire? How often does God fudge the rules?

     4. Why should the living take death to heart if everything is meaningless? Is death the only meaningful thing? Wouldn't that make God the God of death and not the God of life?

7. Ecclesiastes 7:3

     3 Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. 

Questions
     1. In Proverbs 17:22 it says that a merry heart is just like medicine but a broken spirit dries up the bones...sooo, what the fuck? Make up your freaking mind here, God. 

     2. If a merry heart is just like medicine and if frustration is better than laughter, wouldn't frustration also be counted as a medicine?

     3. If God considers frustration to be good medicine where in the hell did He get His medical knowledge or degree? A Cracker Jacked box?

8. Ecclesiastes 7:5

     5 It is better to heed the rebuke of a wise person than to listen to the song of fools.

Questions
     1. This is pure common sense, isn't it? There is nothing new being revealed here in some divine fashion, is there?

     2. I just don't know about this verse, right? Does this apply only to those being rebuked or to everyone in general to include those NOT being rebuked? I mean, if you consider a judge's decision to be rebuke of the wise does this verse infer that it would be better to listen to such than fun music?

     3. Sooo, if this applies to those who are not being rebuked would you rather read a court decision on a lengthy and boring contracts case OR listen to Gwen Stefani sing that her shit is bananas?

9. Ecclesiastes 7:12

     12 Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: Wisdom preserves those who have it.

Questions
     1. Sooo, wisdom preserves those who have it? But...doesn't Ecclesiastes 1:18 say that with much wisdom comes much sorrow?

     2. If much sorrow comes with wisdom and if wisdom is a shelter is all of that sorrow providing the shelter in full or part?

10. Ecclesiastes 7:13-15

     13 Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?

     14 When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.

     15 In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these: the righteous perishing in their righteousness, and the wicked living long in their wickedness. 

Questions
     1. Sooo, if God has made the good and the bad and the happy and the sad...He has ALSO made the meaningless, hasn't He?

     2. How can a perfect God make something meaningless?

     3. How can a righteous God make something meaningless ON PURPOSE (and everything God does and creates IS supposed to be for a reason and thus on purpose, right?)?

11. Ecclesiastes 7:17

     17 Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool— why die before your time?

Questions
     1. So, if you are not supposed to be OVERwicked, is it okay to be a little wicked?

     2. Why not just say do not be wicked at all? Why use the term OVERwicked?

     3. Sooo, if being really wicked as well as a fool makes you kick the bucket before your time, what the freak happened to this implied rule when it comes to Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin? Why didn't they die when they were kids or young men before they fucked up a good portion of the world for a really long time?

12. Ecclesiastes 7:19

     19 Wisdom makes one wise person more powerful than ten rulers in a city.

Questions
     1. Hah! God/the Lord must have never heard of politics, right? I mean, some of the biggest idiots EVER end up in charge and with more power than should ever be given or allowed to anyone, correct?

13. Ecclesiastes 8:4-5

     4 Since a king’s word is supreme, who can say to him, “What are you doing?”

     5 Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure.

Questions
     1. Isn't the Lord/God supposed to be King, THE King? Lots of people obey His supposed commands and come to all sorts of harm (some of them even cause a lot of harm; some even harm themselves in the name of God their King), so what the freak happened to obeying the king and coming to no harm, hummm?

     2. A king's word may be supreme, sure, BUT when the king is issuing statements and words that are detrimental to his people shouldn't you absolutely question the king as to what the FUCK he is doing?

14. Ecclesiastes 8:7-8

     7 Since no one knows the future, who can tell someone else what is to come?

     8 As no one has power over the wind to contain it, so no one has power over the time of their death. As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who practice it.

Questions
     1. But we CAN know the future, right? If there is nothing new under the sun (as so stated in Ecclesiastes 1:9) then there is nothing new when it comes to the future, correct?

     2. The future is not cloaked in utter darkness, is it? By reviewing past events and results and outcomes and merging those with current events and proposed actions, isn't it true that we can develop a fairly accurate idea of what the future will be?

     3. Does not knowing everything about the future mean that we do not know the future?

15. Ecclesiastes 8:14

     14 There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: the righteous who get what the wicked deserve, and the wicked who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless.

Questions
     1. Ecclesiastes 7:14 says that God has made the good times as well as the bad times. Lovely. Considering that, wouldn't it be fair and accurate to say that in this verse when the wicked get what the righteous deserve and when the righteous get what the wicked deserve THIS IS OF GOD'S DOING?

     2. All of this is supposed to be meaningless to boot. Why is God going about making all of this dastardly, meaningless shit? Why does God make bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?

16. Ecclesiastes 9:2

     2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not. As it is with the good, so with the sinful; as it is with those who take oaths, so with those who are afraid to take them.

Questions
     1. If this is the case then why do so many of the followers of God draw so many goddamn lines of separation?

     2. If this verse is the truth then why does God/the Lord create so much separation and division within man? If everything is so much the same why is God constantly trying to make things so very different in really fucked up ways?

17. Ecclesiastes 9:4

     4 Anyone who is among the living has hope —even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!

Questions
     1. Really? Doesn't Ecclesiastes 4:2 say that the dead who have already died are happier than the living? WTF kind of bipolar horseshit is going on here?

18. Ecclesiastes 9:5-6

     5 For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even their name is forgotten.

     6 Their love, their hate and their jealousy have long since vanished; never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun.

Questions
     1. This is freaking lunacy, right? Doesn't Ecclesiastes 4:3 say that better is he who has never been born and who has never seen the evil under the sun? If that is the case WTF difference does it make whether or not the living know they will die?

19. Ecclesiastes 9:11-12

     11 I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.

     12 Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so people are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them.

Questions
     1. This is so fucking stupid! Time and chance have NOTHING to do with ANYTHING, do they?! Read the goddamn Bible. Why do the Children of Israel win or lose? Why does anyone die? Why did the freaking Flood happen? Why is there pestilence and slavery and famine? Do you really think these things are from CHANCE and TIME? Fuck no! Isn't God/the Lord the One who manipulates everything to meet whatever ridiculous and absurd ends He has created?

     2. So, people are like fish in a net, an evil net? And WHO does this net belong to? WHO cast the net after purposely creating helpless little fish (the people) in a stinking toxic sea of hate and sorrow and suffering? WHO creates the unexpected evil?

20. Ecclesiastes 9:14-16

     14 There was once a small city with only a few people in it. And a powerful king came against it, surrounded it and built huge siege works against it.

     15 Now there lived in that city a man poor but wise, and he saved the city by his wisdom. But nobody remembered that poor man.

     16 So I said, “Wisdom is better than strength.” But the poor man’s wisdom is despised, and his words are no longer heeded.

Questions
     1. How freaking stupid is this story? So this wise but poor man saves everyone BUT no one remembers WTF he did to save everyone? No one remembers a word? If this guy who saved everyone was so insignificant how in the fuckey-doo do the people even remember he saved them to begin with, hummm?

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