Song of Solomon

Divinely Sanctioned Porn

     When reading the Bible you will come across many curious and even ridiculous things. The Book of Deuteronomy is a very good example of such. Many people may try to tell you that there is much in the Bible that is supposed to be metaphor. That's right. God didn't mean it that way, He meant it THIS way. God didn't mean it this way, He meant it THAT way. The Book of Song of Solomon really takes the cake when it comes to metaphor, though. This entire book sounds like porn. Seriously. It is divinely sanctioned porn. Of course, I suppose that interpretation would depend on what God is telling you the verses really REALLY mean, right? The guy who wrote this dastardly book isn't really talking about marrying and sleeping with his sister, no way. The guy who wrote this book isn't really talking about kissing and doing other things with a man.

     There is so much in the Bible that can be taken so very many ways.

1. 1:1-3
     1 Solomon’s Song of Songs.

     2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.

     3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!

Questions
     1. Okay, so right from the very beginning verse we can establish that King Solomon is supposed to have written this book of the Bible, correct?

     2. Read verse two. Why is King Solomon speaking about the kisses from a man's mouth being more delightful than wine?

     3. No wonder the young women love you? Uhmmm, sounds like somebody has a thing going for the SAME SEX, right?


2. 3:1, 3
     1 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him.

     3 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

Questions
     1. Sooo, is Solomon looking for a certain HIM in his own bed or is this some kind of kinky metaphor for some Christ the Bridegroom thing?

     2. It must be Solomon talking here or else why would a woman be out and about at NIGHT when the watchmen are out looking for the one she loves? Another Christ the Bridegroom thing?


3. 3:4
     4 Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me.

Questions
     1. Oh WOW. So he finds the MAN he is looking for and takes him back to his mother's house to the very ROOM his mother conceived him in? Say what? Is he in the same bed? This is some weird shit, right?


4. 4:1
     4 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

Questions
     1. Your hair is like a flock of goats? Have you ever seen a flock of goats? Have you ever smelled a flock of goats? This does not sound like a complement in the least, does it?


5. 4:5
     5 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

Questions
     1. Your breasts are like two fawns? WTF? Are we talking tiny and brown? Fuzzy and firm? What?


6. 4:10-12
     10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

     11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

     12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

Questions
     1. OMG! What the hell is it with the Bible and incest or making stuff sound like incest? How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride?

     2. Is the sister-bride referencing a sister nation?

     3. Can you imagine if this guy's sister-bride were in the present day and she smelled of Lebanon? Wouldn't she smell like cordite and explosives?

     4. A garden locked up, hummm? A spring enclosed? A sealed fountain? This guy is saying this about his SISTER? This is straight up, wacko porn, isn't it?


7. 5:1-2
     1 I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk. Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

     2 I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.”

Questions
     1. I have come into my garden my sister, my bride? Why in the hell wasn't this one of the books kept OUT of the Bible? Is this divinely sanctioned porn?

     2. Jesus Christ, this is some horrible stuff here, right? Open to me my sister, my head is drenched with dew with the dampness of the night?? Holy freaking shit!

     3. Couldn't Hollywood or the porn industry make a killing off of this book of the Bible? They wouldn't even really need to tweak the words much, would they?


8. 5:4-5
     4 My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.

     5 I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt.

Questions
     1. Well, these verses could be taken a couple of ways, right? Lovely wording here, folks. You should read the King James Version of this for a real turn-on. And this Book of Porn is God-inspired?


9. 5:7
     7 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!

Questions
     1. The King James Version says his veil was taken away. Sooo, was Solomon going about dressed as a WOMAN? Is that why the watchmen beat him, they thought he was a woman?


10. 5:16
     16 His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.

Questions
     1. Did Solomon kiss men? Some translations separate the verses out to parts that a man supposedly says and parts a woman supposedly says...but the book is supposed to have been written by Solomon and does not say anyone helped him to write it or added to it or was in on the writing. Besides, that wouldn't really matter, would it? Especially when this mother trucker is talking about marrying and doing the deed with his freaking sister, right?


11. 6:8
     8 Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number;

Questions
     1. Yikes! Someone REALLY gets around, don't they?

     2. Can you say STDs?


12. 7:3
     3 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.

Questions
     1. Do you mean that the breasts are like twin fawns as in they look exactly the same and one boob isn't, like, bigger than the other or anything like that?


13. 8:2
     2 I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house— she who has taught me. I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.

Questions
     1. I would give you spiced wine to drink? Do you mean like slipping someone a little Rohypnol in their refreshment and then taking advantage of them? God! What in the world were You thinking inspiring this crap?


14. 8:7
     7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Questions
     1. Ahhh, but many waters CAN quench love if you are God, right? Didn't God flood the entire earth and kill everything and every one except for those in the ark? Isn't God supposed to be Love?


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I Kings Part III: Just a Few Questions

THAT was Quick

Sooo...what do you think of the book of I Kings so far? Pretty interesting, isn't it? And while on the surface it does seem like God's people are finally getting on the right track what does God/the LORD do to His people? He pulls a General Sherman and rips the tracks right up before those using the track have a chance to respond or resituate. How very thoughtful of Senor El Shaddai. 

We pick up where we left off for the questions of I Kings in chapter nine. Enjoy.

1. I Kings 9:1-3

1 As soon as Solomon had finished building the house of the LORD and the king’s house and all that Solomon desired to build,

2 the LORD appeared to Solomon a second time, as he had appeared to him at Gibeon.

3 And the LORD said to him, “I have heard your prayer and your plea, which you have made before me. I have consecrated this house that you have built, by putting my name there forever. My eyes and my heart will be there for all time.

Questions
     1) Why does God claim He wants all men to know Him, but then He very rarely shows Himself to anyone?

     2) What are some of the excuses offered by believers that are intended to explain away the inconsistencies surrounding God's supposed omnipresence (kinda like the wind, right? You can hear it and feel it, but cannot see it)? Some believers hold that the reason God very rarely shows Himself is because people are supposed to believe in God out of faith and not out of literally seeing God. The part about believing out of faith, WITHOUT any sign and encouragement, meant that you totally trusted God and were therefore saved from hell.

But if God wants people to believe in Him out of pure, unadulterated faith straight from the heart of the individual...WHY is He always telling the people they have to do it His way, or else? They have to choose God/the LORD, or else? Doesn't this qualify as negative encouragement to get people to follow God, and wouldn't such show people are not believing out of trust but out of fear?

2. I Kings 9:4

4 And as for you, if you will walk before me, as David your father walked, with integrity of heart and uprightness, doing according to all that I have commanded you, and keeping my statutes and my rules,

Questions

     1) King David walked with integrity and uprightness? Sooo...was David's murdering Uriah uprightness and his taking of Bathsheba integrity...or was it the other way around?

3. I Kings 9:6-9

6 But if you turn aside from following me, you or your children, and do not keep my commandments and my statutes that I have set before you, but go and serve other gods and worship them,

7 then I will cut off Israel from the land that I have given them, and the house that I have consecrated for my name I will cast out of my sight, and Israel will become a proverb and a byword among all peoples.

8 And this house will become a heap of ruins. Everyone passing by it will be astonished and will hiss, and they will say, ‘Why has the LORD done thus to this land and to this house?’

9 Then they will say, ‘Because they abandoned the LORD their God who brought their fathers out of the land of Egypt and laid hold on other gods and worshiped them and served them. Therefore the LORD has brought all this disaster on them.’”

Questions
     1) Here we go again with God/the LORD making stupid and pointless threats again, right? If you turn aside from me? If you do not keep my commandments? Come on, God, You KNOW the people cannot help but to sin, meaning, they will never be able to hold up their end of the covenant. You KNOW this but You keep making covenants with these people?

     2) Does God's/the LORD's persistence to create meaningless/impossible covenants despite His knowledge of man's proclivity to sin unceasingly indicate lying on some level or other?

     3) If man does not know, if man is ignorant of the fact that he will never be able to stop sinning and thus will always be deserving of God's judgments, and if God knows that man does not know...isn't that sneakiness, trickery, and lying?

     4) Has God/the LORD ever stopped to listen to how He sounds when He is talking to people? Does He pay attention to the things He says? Isn't He more or less saying that the people had better believe in Him and if they do not He WILL hurt them?

4. I Kings 9:20-22

20 As for all the people who were left of the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites, who were not of the sons of Israel,

21 their descendants who were left after them in the land, whom the people of Israel were unable to devote to destruction—these Solomon drafted to be slaves, and so they are to this day.

22 But of the people of Israel Solomon made no slaves. They were the soldiers, they were his officials, his commanders, his captains, his chariot commanders and his horsemen.

Questions
     1) Solomon made NO slaves of the people of Israel?

     2) Don't the people of Israel use a conscription program to stock their military with people?

     3) Isn't that forcing people to serve in the military?

     4) Is forcing someone against their will to enter the military so that they might fight for the king...well, isn't that the same as slavery? And remember, this is conscription and not a draft.

5. I Kings 10:23-29
23 So King Solomon became greater than all the kings of the earth in riches and in wisdom.

24 And the whole earth sought the presence of Solomon to hear his wisdom, which God had put into his mind.

25 Every one of them brought his present, articles of silver and gold, garments, myrrh, spices, horses, and mules, so much year by year.

26 And Solomon gathered together chariots and horsemen. He had 1,400 chariots and 12,000 horsemen, whom he stationed in the chariot cities and with the king in Jerusalem.

27 And the king made silver as common in Jerusalem as stone, and he made cedar as plentiful as the sycamore of the Shephelah.

28 And Solomon’s import of horses was from Egypt and Kue, and the king’s traders received them from Kue at a price.

29 A chariot could be imported from Egypt for 600 shekels of silver and a horse for 150, and so through the king’s traders they were exported to all the kings of the Hittites and the kings of Syria.

Questions
     1) Sooo...the verses do say here that the kings of the whole earth sought the presence of Solomon so that they may hear his words of wisdom? The whole earth?

     2) Sooo...the Bible does say the 'whole earth' and we are supposed to take the Bible as literal truth, correct? Would you be so kind as to tell me what kings or representatives or leaders from, say...North and South American, Australian, and Arctic peoples traveled wayyy over to Solomon just to jaw on for a spell, hummm?

     3) Sooo...are the people of Israel back on good speaking terms with the Egyptians since there seems to be some significant trading/purchasing in war materials?

     4) Considering what supposedly went down in Egypt when the people of Israel left...do you really think the Egyptians would sell chariots and top of the line horses to the same people who were supposedly responsible for Egypt's loss of its entire army of chariots and footmen?

6. I Kings 11:1-3
1 Now King Solomon loved many foreign women, along with the daughter of Pharaoh: Moabite, Ammonite, Edomite, Sidonian, and Hittite women,

2 from the nations concerning which the LORD had said to the people of Israel, “You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.” Solomon clung to these in love.

3 He had 700 wives, princesses, and 300 concubines. And his wives turned away his heart.

Questions
     1) Read that verse two there, would you? Nice little snippy tone to it, right? You know it sounds suspiciously like those over-the-top, uber-zealous Muslims who swear by Whoever they worship that the daughters of the Great Satan are infidels (and we ALL know what happens with that version of God and infidels, right?

     2) What makes this version in the Bible any better, hummm?

     3) Isn't this a fine example of God using religion and faith as weapons specifically intended to draw lines of separation between peoples and cultures?

     4) Seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines? Yikes!! Do you think King Solomon spent a good portion of his time tending to his over-used, very likely sore sex pistol?

7. I Kings 11:7-8
7 Then Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the abomination of Moab, and for Molech the abomination of the Ammonites, on the mountain east of Jerusalem.

8 And so he did for all his foreign wives, who made offerings and sacrificed to their gods.

Questions
     1) Sooo...here we find the need to ask why it is okay to butcher animals and give them to the God of the people of Israel, but the same cannot be done for other gods? WHY? And don't just say some abomination bullshit, either. Just tell me when and why God decided killing animals and burning their carcasses in supplication to the mighty invisible was a good idea?

8. I Kings 11:9-11
9 And the LORD was angry with Solomon, because his heart had turned away from the LORD, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice

10 and had commanded him concerning this thing, that he should not go after other gods. But he did not keep what the LORD commanded.

11 Therefore the LORD said to Solomon, “Since this has been your practice and you have not kept my covenant and my statutes that I have commanded you, I will surely tear the kingdom from you and will give it to your servant.

Questions
     1) Aha...the LORD is miffed that HE feels like HE went out of His way to show Himself to Solomon, and now Solomon has wandering eyes? Did the LORD really think appearing twice was enough to tip the scales in His favor? Look at all the shit He does to the people! ON PURPOSE! And He wonders why people run the other way?

     2) The LORD/God seems absolutely happy and ready and willing to do anything for the chance to give people something great, and then right when they think they have something good He takes great and sadistic pleasure in ripping whatever He gave right out of the hands of those He gave it to, right?

9. I Kings 11:12-13
12 Yet for the sake of David your father I will not do it in your days, but I will tear it out of the hand of your son.

13 However, I will not tear away all the kingdom, but I will give one tribe to your son, for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem that I have chosen.”

Questions
     1) For the sake of Solomon's father? Doesn't the LORD know that David is dead? Does the LORD really think David would give a shit when the guy has been long dead?

     2) You DO see how this sadistic fuck tries to get Solomon where it hurts, right? What does He say to Solomon? I will tear it out of the hands of your son? How would you feel as a parent if someone told you that after you die they are going to take revenge on your child for something that YOU did, not something they did? What kind of fear and sorrow would that put in your heart as you worry day after day for your child? Pretty sick, isn't it?

10. I Kings 11:14-18
14 And the LORD raised up an adversary against Solomon, Hadad the Edomite. He was of the royal house in Edom.

15 For when David was in Edom, and Joab the commander of the army went up to bury the slain, he struck down every male in Edom

16 (for Joab and all Israel remained there six months, until he had cut off every male in Edom).

17 But Hadad fled to Egypt, together with certain Edomites of his father’s servants, Hadad still being a little child.

18 They set out from Midian and came to Paran and took men with them from Paran and came to Egypt, to Pharaoh king of Egypt, who gave him a house and assigned him an allowance of food and gave him land.

Questions
     1) Well well WELL! What have we here but God once again frigging with the free will of people by making them fight, right?

     2) Doesn't the verse say that the LORD raised up an adversary?

     3) Does the verse say that an adversary arose on his own?

     4) Sooo...God has purposely set fire to the barn. Isn't that just wonderful? Is this something an honest, truthful, loving, kind God would do?

11. I Kings 11:23-25
23 God also raised up as an adversary to him, Rezon the son of Eliada, who had fled from his master Hadadezer king of Zobah.

24 And he gathered men about him and became leader of a marauding band, after the killing by David. And they went to Damascus and lived there and made him king in Damascus.

25 He was an adversary of Israel all the days of Solomon, doing harm as Hadad did. And he loathed Israel and reigned over Syria.

Questions
     1) Oh, look! God was in SUCH a generous mood that He decided to go all out and raise up yet another adversary? Wow. God must not have remembered that part toward the beginning of I Kings where it said Solomon had rest on every side and there was peace, right?

     2) These verses totally sound like a slightly tweaked version of the Hagar/Ishmael story, don't they? The childless father, rooked out of his birthright, rewarded with a half ass blessing that was far more about misery and struggle than anything positive, the angst, the hatred...seriously?

12. I Kings 11:26
26 Another rebel leader was Jeroboam son of Nebat, one of Solomon's own officials. He came from the town of Zeredah in Ephraim, and his mother was Zeruah, a widow.

Questions
     1) Does God arrange shit like this because He figures that when people 'do wrong' the best way to get back at them is to strike the people they are closest to?

     2) And God knows it is even better if it is a person the sinner really, really trusts and relies upon, correct? And it doesn't matter whether or not the people had a reason to fight, because the LORD always helps with that, right?

13. I Kings 11:28
28 The man Jeroboam was very able, and when Solomon saw that the young man was industrious he gave him charge over all the forced labor of the house of Joseph.

Questions
     1) I thought the Israelites were not the ones forced into labor, and now they are? Wait, do you mean the people living WITH the tribe of Joseph were forced into labor?

     2) Is this another one of those nonsense verses in the Bible that just don't freaking add up, and that people simply pass of as the mysteriousness of God/the LORD and the ways in which He works?

14. I Kings 11:34-36
34 Nevertheless, I will not take the whole kingdom out of his hand, but I will make him ruler all the days of his life, for the sake of David my servant whom I chose, who kept my commandments and my statutes.

35 But I will take the kingdom out of his son’s hand and will give it to you, ten tribes.

36 Yet to his son I will give one tribe, that David my servant may always have a lamp before me in Jerusalem, the city where I have chosen to put my name.

Questions
     1) Why does God keep saying King David kept His commandments when David very clearly broke damn near every single commandment with what he did with Uriah and Bathsheba?

     2) That my servant may always have a lamp before me in Jerusalem? Seriously? Have you seen Jerusalem on the news and heard about all the constant bickering and fighting and killing...fucking people STILL not getting along? Christ! That place is a friggin lamp? With all of the people behaving like they only think in the goddamn dark, with all of the bombings and grenade attacks, all of the riots and protests, and intermittent smoke billowing up from destruction...geeze, it is more like a LUMP, right?

15. I Kings  11-37-38
37 And I will take you, and you shall reign over all that your soul desires, and you shall be king over Israel.

38 And if you will listen to all that I command you, and will walk in my ways, and do what is right in my eyes by keeping my statutes and my commandments, as David my servant did, I will be with you and will build you a sure house, as I built for David, and I will give Israel to you.

Questions
     1) When God says He will 'take you' do you think it could possibly mean that in the sense of a 'con-man' He will take you for a long ride to nowhere where you eventually either starve to fucking death or die of thirst?

     2) If you walk in my ways? Is God high? If everyone walked in His ways the human race would have disappeared a long ass time ago, right?

     3) And WHY is God so freaking persistent in saying that King David walked in His ways when that is simply not true and there is irrefutable evidence of it NOT being true?


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