Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Song of Solomon

Divinely Sanctioned Porn

     When reading the Bible you will come across many curious and even ridiculous things. The Book of Deuteronomy is a very good example of such. Many people may try to tell you that there is much in the Bible that is supposed to be metaphor. That's right. God didn't mean it that way, He meant it THIS way. God didn't mean it this way, He meant it THAT way. The Book of Song of Solomon really takes the cake when it comes to metaphor, though. This entire book sounds like porn. Seriously. It is divinely sanctioned porn. Of course, I suppose that interpretation would depend on what God is telling you the verses really REALLY mean, right? The guy who wrote this dastardly book isn't really talking about marrying and sleeping with his sister, no way. The guy who wrote this book isn't really talking about kissing and doing other things with a man.

     There is so much in the Bible that can be taken so very many ways.

1. 1:1-3
     1 Solomon’s Song of Songs.

     2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.

     3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!


     1. Okay, so right from the very beginning verse we can establish that King Solomon is supposed to have written this book of the Bible, correct?

     2. Read verse two. Why is King Solomon speaking about the kisses from a man's mouth being more delightful than wine?

     3. No wonder the young women love you? Uhmmm, sounds like somebody has a thing going for the SAME SEX, right?

2. 3:1, 3

     1 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him.

     3 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”


     1. Sooo, is Solomon looking for a certain HIM in his own bed or is this some kind of kinky metaphor for some Christ the Bridegroom thing?

     2. It must be Solomon talking here or else why would a woman be out and about at NIGHT when the watchmen are out looking for the one she loves? Another Christ the Bridegroom thing?

3. 3:4

     4 Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me.


     1. Oh WOW. So he finds the MAN he is looking for and takes him back to his mother's house to the very ROOM his mother conceived him in? Say what? Is he in the same bed? This is some weird shit, right?

4. 4:1

     4 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

     1. Your hair is like a flock of goats? Have you ever seen a flock of goats? Have you ever smelled a flock of goats? This does not sound like a complement in the least, does it?

5. 4:5
     5 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

     1. Your breasts are like two fawns? WTF? Are we talking tiny and brown? Fuzzy and firm? What?

6. 4:10-12
     10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

     11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

     12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

     1. OMG! What the hell is it with the Bible and incest or making stuff sound like incest? How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride?

     2. Is the sister-bride referencing a sister nation?

     3. Can you imagine if this guy's sister-bride were in the present day and she smelled of Lebanon? Wouldn't she smell like cordite and explosives?

     4. A garden locked up, hummm? A spring enclosed? A sealed fountain? This guy is saying this about his SISTER? This is straight up, wacko porn, isn't it?

7. 5:1-2
     1 I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk. Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

     2 I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.”

     1. I have come into my garden my sister, my bride? Why in the hell wasn't this one of the books kept OUT of the Bible? Is this divinely sanctioned porn?

     2. Jesus Christ, this is some horrible stuff here, right? Open to me my sister, my head is drenched with dew with the dampness of the night?? Holy freaking shit!

     3. Couldn't Hollywood or the porn industry make a killing off of this book of the Bible? They wouldn't even really need to tweak the words much, would they?

8. 5:4-5
     4 My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.

     5 I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt.

     1. Well, these verses could be taken a couple of ways, right? Lovely wording here, folks. You should read the King James Version of this for a real turn-on. And this Book of Porn is God-inspired?

9. 5:7
     7 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!

     1. The King James Version says his veil was taken away. Sooo, was Solomon going about dressed as a WOMAN? Is that why the watchmen beat him, they thought he was a woman?

10. 5:16
     16 His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.

     1. Did Solomon kiss men? Some translations separate the verses out to parts that a man supposedly says and parts a woman supposedly says...but the book is supposed to have been written by Solomon and does not say anyone helped him to write it or added to it or was in on the writing. Besides, that wouldn't really matter, would it? Especially when this mother trucker is talking about marrying and doing the deed with his freaking sister, right?

11. 6:8
     8 Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number;

     1. Yikes! Someone REALLY gets around, don't they?

     2. Can you say STDs?

12. 7:3
     3 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.

     1. Do you mean that the breasts are like twin fawns as in they look exactly the same and one boob isn't, like, bigger than the other or anything like that?

13. 8:2
     2 I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house— she who has taught me. I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.

     1. I would give you spiced wine to drink? Do you mean like slipping someone a little Rohypnol in their refreshment and then taking advantage of them? God! What in the world were You thinking inspiring this crap?

14. 8:7
     7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

     1. Ahhh, but many waters CAN quench love if you are God, right? Didn't God flood the entire earth and kill everything and every one except for those in the ark? Isn't God supposed to be Love?